I had decided, I’d made up my mind, I would not have children! I knew early on that God had called me into full-time ministry and I was more than willing to obey the call, but I was not willing to subject any children to a life they had not chosen.

Growing up, I’d seen my share of preachers kids come and go and while the adults focused their attention on saying good-bye to their parents (unless the departure was a result of a church split, in which case it was not good-bye, but “good riddance”), I paid close attention to the children. Their fearful faces were forever etched into the “note-to-self” section of my memory banks. Faces filled with uncertainty and dread as they were yanked from the security of the familiar and forced to leave friends, church, home, and school. All this in the name of “ministry,” a ministry not of their choosing. Their only contribution to this lifestyle was simply having been born to ministry parents. No sir, I would not do this to my own children. For me, ministry equaled childlessness, and I was perfectly at peace with my choice.

Fast forward about five years, when I entered Bible college and met my prince charming. A man equally called into full-time ministry and who not only wanted children, but wanted a bunch! Suddenly my argument for not wanting children dissolved at the thought of being his wife and having his children. I did however, managed to talk him out of having a “bunch” and had only two.

Life under the giant microscope was intensified when Amanda was born. I once committed the inexcusable act of taking my baby to church without donning a hat on her newborn head. Apparently some “well-intended church ladies” mobilized promptly to let me know I was sentencing her to death by sniffles by exposing her to the blistery cold elements of Southern California. Never mind that this child was born with a full head of hair and in desperate need of a hair appointment! Why does there seem to be an unending reserve of unsolicited advice on how to raise, discipline, and dress the pastor’s kid? I often wondered where these people were when it was time to clean the church bathrooms?

Raising two children while in ministry has proven to be a different experience for each one of them. You see, they are as different as night is from day. Amanda is very outgoing and loves being the center of attention (which explains why she loves to sing and act). Adam, however, would rather hide behind the camera videotaping her as she sings (he is my video producer and editor). Therefore one has enjoyed the attention while the other has shied completely away from anything and anyone who would shine a spotlight on him. Our challenge as their parents has been to help them remain balanced and protected from the expectations placed on them by others and ourselves.

We often hear about a PK’s every move being scrutinized and judged. However, I often wonder by whom? Yes, it’s a given that as ministers we should expect this to happen at church, but in all honesty, this scrutiny has often come from me. I’ve struggled with placing unfair expectations on them simply because they carry my name.

The other day, a seasoned minister friend shared something with me that caused me to shudder at the thought. You see my friend is an accomplished woman in ministry, you’d probably know her if I shared her name (I won’t ). She has years of ministry experience behind her; from children’s pastor, to choir director, to missionary, to pastor, and pastor’s wife. You name it she’s done it, and done it well. She is also the mother of two beautiful young adult women. Over Christmas a good friend of the family said to her, “It must have been hard to be your daughter.” A thought that had never crossed her mind. Yet as she shared that story with me, I could sense the regret at the thought of having potentially placed such a heavy burden on the shoulders of her two girls. Yes, it must have been hard being her daughter if high expectations were placed without equal or more tenderness to soften the burden.

My own two children are now grown. Amanda is a sophomore in college and Adam will leave the nest in the fall when he goes to college. For all the ministry challenges and all the unsolicited advice from nosy church members, the question that now haunts me is, “how did I do?”  I wonder, was it hard being my kids? I wish someone had posed that question to me years ago when I could still change my ways.

I do not know what season of life you find yourself in as you read this. If your children are young, might I suggest prayerfully considering whether the expectations you place on your children are fair and for the sake of building God’s Kingdom or are they unfair and for the sake of building your own kingdom? If your children are grown, perhaps a conversation with them is in order. Now, where did I put Amanda’s number?

Olga is a  credentialed minister with the Assemblies of God and has served in multiple lead roles in church ministry alongside her husband of 24 years Dr. Jim Vigil. She and Jim have been Clergy Marriage Encounter presenters for nineteen years. Olga leads “Seasons” the female student mentoring ministry at Central Bible College. She is a Life Coach, speaker, writer, and mentor. She currently serves as National Girls Ministries Leadership Development Coordinator. She lives in Springfield, Missouri and has two children; Amanda-20 and Adam-18, and two girly dogs; Baleigh the shy Lab and Cara the feisty Cocker Spaniel.   

Contact: coacholgav@gmail.com

Related Posts:

From My Perspective: Keri Stoner (A “Traditional” Pastor’s Wife)
From My Perspective: Claudia Hernandez (A New Pastor’s Wife)
From My Perspective: Carey Rostorfer  (A Missionary)
From My Perspective: Christina Powell (When Momma is the Minister)

In the life of a woman, we wear many hats. A hat of a wife, a minister, a friend, a sister, and a mother! The hat of a mother is the most intriguing role a woman can play. The nineteen years of being a mother is a never-ending journey; one which I have yet to conquer. Since a little girl, my desire was to be a mother, which to my delight came true with an abundant blessing of four children. Raising four girls on the mission field gave me a whole new perspective – how blessed I have been to keep them in focus on the things that matter most in life. I do say, we have had our challenges and setbacks but at the end the rewards outweigh it all, especially knowing who we belong to and that He has been refining us like fine gold.

The fears we face as mothers, of how we can instill natural skills as well as spiritual foundations in them, haunt our very being. Through the power of God within us, He gives us strength, wisdom, discernment, and tenacity to survive and even thrive in rearing our children. This gives us great comfort that our God is there in every circumstance of our lives, so we can continue to nurture them in His ways.

No matter where we may raise our children, in different settings, either in the states or overseas, we face difficulties. But when we are consistent and don’t give up, no matter how hard circumstances may be, we will reap the benefit of them loving and walking with God.

Every challenge I face on the mission field, I see as an opportunity to teach my children; to learn from each challenge, conquer the difficulties, and take it as an opportunity for growth and development instead of a setback. I instill in my children to never look at difficulties as a problem but how we can mature in what God has us to learn in that situation. When we look at the difficulties through the eyes of an optimistic person’s view point, how much greater joy! We live life to the fullest in the midst of all the chaos, rather than through the lense of a person who has a pessimistic attitude. While my children are under the influence and care in my life, while they are still living at home, my goal in life is to constantly pump the Word of God in them in everything I do. For them to receive what I have to give them, I must be a person who lives it out first, or whatever I give them will be worthless. As a mother who wears many hats in life, my hat of spiritual example is the priority I want to impart in them first and foremost, and then everything else I desire for them to walk in, in the natural to be all that God has for them, will then come into its place.

The world looks at us and scoffs, and they say, “They are cute now, but just wait until they are teenagers, maybe you will be able to weather the storm until they are old enough to leave home.” To the world, time is an enemy. In time children will grow into teenagers, in time they leave home, in time death sends them to the judgment throne of God. To the Christian, time is an ally, not an enemy! God uses time to mature His people, our children, to mature His church, to ready His people into His kingdom. When we use time resourcefully, time will distinguish us, set apart the children of covenant-keeping parents from the children of covenant breaking parents. Pass your hat on as a godly mother to your children and run the race of life with joy!

The journey of my life as a lady has been a lasting joy. I, Carey Thiet Rostorfer, was born in a war-torn country of Vietnam. I was rescued by missionaries at the age of 8 in 1975 and was adopted by an American family that same year. I had the call of God on my life at the age of 12 and responded to His appeal to be a missionary. I have been married 22 years to my wonderful husband, Jay, and have four girls, Jordan, Constance, Jael, and Candace. We pastored in Ohio for 12 years and have now been missionaries to Madagascar for 10 years.

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From My Perspective: Keri Stoner (A “Traditional” Pastor’s Wife)
From My Perspective: Claudia Hernandez (A New Pastor’s Wife)
From My Perspective: Christina Powell  (When Momma is the Minister)
From My Perspective: Olgia Vigil (Looking Back After the “Nest” Empties)

Hi – my name is Keri.  I’m a pastor’s wife.

(this is where you say ‘hi, Keri!’)

My husband is the senior pastor of a mid-sized church in suburban St. Louis, Missouri. We have two children; our daughter is 9 and our son is 7. JulieAnn asked me to write about raising PK’s and although I have no real expertise to share with anyone, I’ll share with you some of my thoughts on it. I’m the first to admit my limited perspective in this matter – we only have two children, and we only have elementary-aged children. That said, this is what I’ve been thinking about lately.

I’m sure you pray for your children. We pray that God would keep our children and guard them against any harm, physical or otherwise. Keep doing that.

I’m sure you involve your children in your ministry as much as you can. We want our children to feel a part of this calling, and not just consider it Dad’s job. However you are doing that, keep doing that. Keep looking for more ways to do that.

I’m sure you try to keep your children from feeling like they are on center stage. We try to expect nothing more from our children than we would if we were congregants in the pew. We set standards for our children that have nothing to do with the fact that we are the pastors of the church and everything to do with the fact that they are our children. However you are walking that line, keep doing it.

I’m sure each of us wrestles with some part of raising kids in the ministry, and godly women with more wisdom and more experience than me could give better counsel on this.

However. I am challenged by one thought lately.

I want to be okay with sacrifice, and just as importantly, I want my children to be okay with sacrifice. I want to do whatever it takes to build God’s Church. I want to not only accept it, but I want to love being poured out in ministry. I want to say, with Paul, that we rejoice even when we are poured out as an offering (Phil 2:17). The question is how does that look in the pastor’s home and to the pastor’s children?

If Dad gets up in the middle of dinner and leaves for the hospital, we stop and pray for the family that just called in a panic. If we go to a school concert or a swim meet without Dad, I make a point of saying that we want him to be able to be with people who need him, and that we are thankful that Dad can serve them. When the kids feel sad because Dad left before they got up and still wasn’t home when it was time for them to go to bed, we pray together that God would keep Dad strong and help us to be strong too.

I know that this can go too far. I know that some in the ministry have sacrificed their very families on the altar of ministry, and I’m not advocating that. I think one of the important roles of a pastor’s wife is to reign in her husband’s tendency to die trying to be all things to all people.

But I also think that we need to remember the sacrifices of those who have gone before, and to run the race in a manner worthy of the calling we have received. We can trust our families to God in the meantime.

Keri and her husband and children have served in the ministry for nearly 2 decades as staff pastors, missionaries, and now as senior pastors. Get to know her more at her blog Bread of Angels.

P.S. Keri is my older sister. I’m pretty lucky to be part of a family of ministers!

Related Posts:

From My Perspective: Christian Powell (When Momma Is the Minister)
From My Perspective: Claudia Hernandez (A New Pastor’s Wife)
From My Perspective: Carey Rostorfer  (A Missionary)
From My Perspective: Olgia Vigil (Looking Back After the “Nest” Empties)