Imagine this scene with me:

(Husband comes in after work, throws his jacket and briefcase on the sofa.)
HUSBAND: You won’t believe what happened today, honey. So-and-so walked into my office and accused me of losing those books I was using to study from last week.
WIFE: Well, did you lose them?
HUSBAND: (defensive) No, I didn’t lose them.
WIFE: Then where are they?
HUSBAND: How should I know? I put them back in the church library.
WIFE: Are you sure? You know how forgetful you are.
HUSBAND: I’m leaving. I can’t even get any respect in my own home. (storms out)

This wife chose the wrong team. By aligning herself with her husband’s accuser, she immediately created a rift in her marriage. Now it’s Team Wife v. Team Husband in the same household, and that doesn’t bode well for anyone.

“However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him,  venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.]”

Ephesians 5:33 Amplified

Let’s make sure we’re on the right team … I’m on Team Pratt.  One unit, together, through thick and thin, good and bad, not berating one another, but building each other up. Offering acceptance, approval, and unconditional love, a safe place to land after a hard day

The implosion of a marriage is a painful thing to witness.

A ministry couple we’ve known for years, people who genuinely loved God (I believe), have simply fallen apart before our eyes. One day everything seemed fine (to the outside observer) and the next day they were living in two different homes and are, apparently, on the fast-track for divorce.

It also happened a year ago with another couple, personal friends of ours in ministry. I wept for them, ached for both of them as their relationship ruptured, rumors spread and reputations were damaged. The dissolution of a marriage is painful for everyone involved – children, friends, church, family, coworkers, neighbors.

Adultery was exposed in another marriage within the same time frame. And it wasn’t the first time. Part of me (flesh) just wanted to channel my South Philadelphia roots and hire a hit man to administer suitable punishment to the offending party. I was mad. The wife however, was far more spiritual than I, choosing to stay and make it work through forgiveness, through wise counsel, and a lot of work. When we stand before Jesus in heaven I know there will be a huge jewel in the crown she lays at His feet…

When you don’t know the people involved, it’s easy to judge. It’s easy to point fingers and say, “someone is always at fault, it doesn’t just happen” but when you are friends with both parties, suddenly things are a little more complicated. It’s also easy to fall back on some of the classic Christian cop-outs like, “We weren’t even saved when we got married.” Or, “We must have missed God. He didn’t mean for us to be together.”  Or even, “We were so young and in Bible College where everyone was getting married.” Hmm.

If you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ve probably wondered at least once (in a moment of distress) if you “missed God” when you married your spouse. (If not, hats off to you!) What if you’d married so-and-so? What if you hadn’t married at all? I think the enemy (and the world) likes to get us dwelling in the land of “what if.” If the devil can convince us that our marriage is a “mismatch,” we lose hope and quit putting forth effort when the road gets rough for some reason.

Frequently, however, what looks like a mismatch is often a case of marital mismanagement. In the same way a corporation can be mismanaged, so can a marriage. Failure to communicate, or even just a struggle with poor communication skills; lousy leadership skills; misunderstanding of motives and needs; or misplaced expectations on either (or both) sides that lead to disappointment and disillusionment.

Here’s the good news: mismanagement can be corrected, if both parties are willing to cooperate. Before you yield (or let someone you’re ministering to) yield to the “mismatched” theory, consider the possibility that mismanagement on one, or both, sides is the problem, and that can be fixed!

Ever use the wrong key to unlock a door?  No matter how you wiggle and jiggle it, rattle the knob, or turn the key over, it just won’t open. (I won’t tell you about that time I got caught climbing in the window of my house, because of trying to use the wrong key. He-he…) The new car keys with their automatic locks are even worse. It’s embarrassing to stand in the parking lot at Walmart pushing the unlock button on your key fob to no avail, only to realize you’re standing by the wrong car. Oops.

Hearts are the same way. Each heart has its own set of keys that unlock its capacity to receive love. Use the wrong key, nothing happens.

The book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman outlines five different “languages” with which we communicate our love for others: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. Depending on your upbringing and your personality, you’re probably more fluent in one love language than any of the others.

Maybe we should use a different analogy. Let’s think of the languages today as keys. Certain keys — a hug (physical touch), or a compliment (words of affirmation) — might make you feel loved and appreciated, while someone who wants to be in your presence for hours at a time (quality time) just makes you feel irritable, used, or manipulated.

Now put yourself in your husband’s position. I suppose I am assuming most of are women. But then. this blog is called Ministry Momma, afterall. Anyhow, back to your husband…or your spouse. Choose the word that works for you.

You love them. You want them to know it. So you yank out your favorite key…but they don’t respond at all like you thought they would. Instead of being delighted by the expensive gift you bought, they are upset about the frivolous waste of money. Instead of glowing over the fact you cleaned out the attic or did some other task for them, they mutter ‘thanks’ and go on about their day. Rejected, your little heart key clatters to the ground with a metallic clunk.

It’s relatively easy to identify our own keys. It’s a little more challenging to recognize someone else’s keys, and learning to use an unfamiliar key can feel awkward and strange, but God, who is love, is the skeleton key — the one that can unlock any lock.

If you’re struggling to demonstrate love to someone in a way he or she can receive, ask the Lord to show you which key to use to unlock his or her heart. The reward will be well worth the effort!

I had a friend who had a pair of Nubian goats. I know nothing about goats except for the stories she used to tell me. And really I only remember the ones that made me laugh so hysterically I had tears running down my face. Like all the things that occurred when trying to herd them back into their pen at night.

These goats, I don’t remember their names, were the best of buddies. Left alone, they stuck together like glue. But anytime they tried to get them back in the pen, they scattered in opposite directions. Upon realizing they were separated and alone, they panicked and ran back together, only to separate again. Each goat apparently thought it knew best, and expected the other to follow, but they submitted to no one, including each other. They even tried yoking them together with a rope, thinking if they were tied together they’d stop scattering and go the same way. Nope. They just stood in the driveway and jerked each other back and forth, frantically bleating for help.

Sometimes my marriage (or at least MY part of it) reminds me of those goats. I’m yoked to my husband. According to God’s word, he’s the head ox, or donkey. (Note: That doesn’t mean he’s better or more valuable to the Master, it means this isn’t a clown car, with a steering wheel for every passenger.)

Change is difficult. Changing course when you’re yoked together and pulling the weight of a family, a job, a ministry, and other responsibilities is even more difficult. The heavier the load you’re hauling, the harder it is to turn. When change comes we can get “out of step” with each other. How can you submit to his vision when, from your perspective, it means an uncertain future, separation from your comfort zone, or the laying aside of your personal dreams and plans?

Do you trust your husband? Do you believe he has your best interests (and those of your family) at heart when he makes decisions?

My husband has proven himself more than faithful and trustworthy these past 17 years. But sometimes fear and doubt creep in and threaten my trust. Maybe I think he hasn’t prayed something through, or I don’t understand why he wants to go the way he wants to go, or I just don’t like the course we’re on or the way he wants something done.

When that happens, the yoke becomes an irritant. I’ll find myself aggravated, perturbed, and annoyed for no reason. That’s when I know I need to spend some quality time with the Master, the owner of our marital yoke.

Matt 11:28-30 NIV says:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

HE can be trusted fully, no matter what. I can even trust Him to manage my husband, to change his heart, or mine, as the situation warrants.

Are you facing changes in your life? In your ministry? Is that yoke rubbing you the wrong way? I encourage you to spend some time with Jesus and renew your trust in His care and concern for your well-being. Let Him make adjustments in your heart first, and then trust Him to speak to your husband. He loves you both, and knows you better than either of you know yourselves or each other!

If you’re new here, I would love to have you join our community. You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook or subscribe by email so you don’t miss a thing!

If you’re new here, I would love to have you join our community. You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook or subscribe by email so you don’t miss a thing!

Today I’m beginning a new standing series I’m titling Marriage Monday. One of the reasons I began this blog was out of a concern that ministry families not just survive, but thrive in this crazy life called “ministry.” My prayer is that it will be a place where we can be honest with where we’re struggling, and more importantly, be a source of encouragement to each of you. See you here each Monday!

Yesterday was our 17th anniversary. Ye-haw!! We celebrated it on Saturday by going to a dinner theater. It was so much fun!

And that’s all you need to know. {smile}

Remember that silly rhyme we would tease with in elementary school?

So-and-so and so-and-so,
Sittin’ in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes baby in a baby carriage.

That childish rhyme describes a general progression of where we put our attention and effort in our relationships. First, we fall in love…pitter-patter goes my heart and all that. Love naturally (in God’s view, anyway) leads to marriage.

Aw, look how cute we were! And skinny.

After the wedding, we turn our focus to marriage, to being married and what it means to be a good wife or a good husband. Right from that first card addressed to Mr. and Mrs. _______________  {squeal!} our identity changes.  We have a new set of expectations for  ourselves and for the man we married than was in place while dating. I hadn’t cooked a single chicken breast before I was married. Then suddenly, I was compelled by some inner urgency to cook dinner every night!

Then for a lot of us comes baby. Yet another huge shift in our identity occurs when we enter parenthood, as well as a shift in how and where we focus our attention. Babies and children – even grown children – demand our time and our energy physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In the days when I had babies at home, my husband (who got to “escape” to the church everyday) didn’t understand why I was so exhausted when he came home, and why I didn’t have any affection or attention leftover for him.

It’s not uncommon for wives to complain that hubby was romantic and sweet and considerate until the ink dried on the marriage license. It’s not uncommon for husbands to complain that they don’t get any attention after the children come into the household. And while I’m not there yet, I know it’s also not uncommon for couples who are committed to marriage and family to have their children go away to college or to a job and the couple finds themselves staring at each other across the breakfast table, wondering who this person is and what on earth they are doing together.

What happens? We let marriage trump love and babies trump marriage. We forget what always has to come first…love.

Are you “in love” with your husband?

If the answer is not an immediate “yes,” it’s entirely possible you’ve laid aside what came first, allowing marriage and parenthood (and ministry) to trump love, and that’s not good. It’s time to take a refresher course in Spouse 101.

No, it doesn’t require expensive dates or even hiring a sitter. It requires you to engage your brain and stir up all those reasons you fell in love with that man. The feelings, the attraction, the appeal, that led to the K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the first place.

Need a little help? Check out my Pinterest page For Hubs. There’s several pins with ideas to keep your love alive. As well as more than enough gadgets to feed his “love language.” HA!

17 years in LOVE!

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